This week on The Living Experiment, we're talking about "mansplaining" — that dynamic where men sometimes explain things to women in condescending, clueless, or less-than-respectful ways.

Perhaps a man persists in explaining something that a woman already knows. Perhaps he talks over her attempts to express her own point of view. Or perhaps he holds forth in some way that generally does not honor his listener as an equal.

Mansplaining has become a popular term and a hot topic over the past few years, and because it's such an common source of stress and strife in our world, we also see it as an important and under-recognized health issue.

So in this episode, we talk about the origins of the word "mansplaining." We share our personal experiences with it and discuss how increasing our awareness of it can help men and women communicate in more constructive, mutually satisfying ways.

Finally, we serve up some experiments to help you notice how mansplaining might be showing up in your life — and what you can do about it.

"Mansplaining" Episode Highlights

• Dallas's eye-opening (and sometimes disturbing) journey through Rebecca Solnit's book, Men Explain Things to Me (4:00)
• Defining the term "mansplaining" — via examples and Solnit’s own words (9:00)
• How the mansplaining dynamic can create a chronic, internalized stress that may manifest as physical illness (11:10)
• Pilar's experiences with mansplaining at work (12:55) and in a dating relationship (15:25)
• The ways that women's pent-up frustrations may suddenly surface, and why those eruptions tend to have less-than-healthy outcomes (18:15)
• How mansplaining was modeled and adopted in Dallas's family (20:10)
• The devaluing of women's experience and knowledge, by both the man doing the mansplaining and the woman being mansplained to (21:25)
• A recent mansplaining incident in Pilar's current relationship (23:30)
• Practical solutions for men and women, beginning with awareness (26:10)
• Pilar's perspective shift transitioning from a women's college to a workplace where men ran the show (26:55)
• Dallas's key takeaways from his new awareness of mansplaining — the consequences of devaluing the unique and critical perspective of half of the human race (28:35)
• The intersection of three themes from episodes of The Living Experiment — shame, scarcity mentality, and mansplaining (31:00)
• The value of asking "interested" vs. merely "interesting" questions, and how this can help produce richer, more rewarding conversations (32:45)
• The physical reactions women may experience in response to mansplaining scenarios  (35:45)
• In-depth analysis of the two options for responding to mansplaining — suck it up or intervene (36:30)
• When responses to mansplaining lead to lose-lose scenarios (38:05)
• Finding context for the frustration (39:10)
• Dallas's call to men to take responsibility and change the dynamic (41:15)
• The importance of evaluating the stress and depleted pleasure caused by mansplaining, at work and at home, whether you're a man or a woman (42:15)
• Suggested experiments for the week (43:55)

This Week's Experiments

Dallas suggests:

1) For men: Pay attention to how you speak to women, notice when you're mansplaining, and own up to it in the moment it happens.

• The woman may already be frustrated, and you may have already damaged your conversation and relationship. Call yourself out and take responsibility.
• Behavior change is important, but even more powerful is stopping and acknowledging the behavior in the moment because it defuses harm and allows the tone of the conversation to reset.

2) For women on the receiving end of mansplaining, intervene with the man in a constructive way. 

• Share how you are feeling, raise the issue, and indicate that you want to advance the conversation together in a mutually respectful way.
• If you notice anger rising, ask whether it's commensurate with the situation or a disproportionate response driven by your personal history.
• Recognize that blasting the man doesn't help solve the problem of the millennia behind you. He may have no idea that what he's doing is being received by you as disrespectful; he may have been trying to impress you with his knowledge or share something he thought you'd find helpful and interesting.

Pilar suggests:

1) Read Rebecca Solnit's thought-provoking essay, "Men Explain Things to Me", to get a sense of why this issue matters so much, and carries so much social, emotional and political charge.

2) Start noticing mansplaining on television, the radio, or wherever you overhear conversations.

• Witnessing it occurring around you allows you to observe it more objectively and consider how you might handle it if you were to find yourself in a comparable situation.
• Seeing examples through the lens of history (watching period pieces, on Mad Men, etc.) can help make you more aware of when it's happening in your own midst.

Get full show notes and resources at http://livingexperiment.com/mansplaining/

We are big fans of coffee. We dig its flavor, its aroma, its health benefits, its feel-good buzz. We also know it's easy to overdo, particularly when we're rushed, stressed and depleted — which is precisely when all that caffeine is most apt to do us biochemical harm. In this week’s episode of The Living Experiment, we look at both the upsides and downsides of coffee, explaining how it affects both your body and brain from the moment you take a sip. We suggest ways to fine tune your coffee selection and habits, and offer our thoughts on the pros and cons of the burgeoning “butter coffee” trend. Finally, we present some experiments to help you make more conscious coffee decisions in your own life.

"Coffee" Episode Highlights

• How caffeine is metabolized by your body (and a tip for enhancing the duration of its effects) (5:05)
• Why coffee has the title of “single greatest source of antioxidants in the American diet” (7:55)
• Research that links coffee with reduced risk (or delayed onset) of Alzheimer’s disease and type-2 diabetes (9:50)
• How genetics affect your caffeine metabolism rate, and implications for how beneficial or harmful coffee may be for you (11:00)
• The relationship between low-grade, chronic stress and heart palpitations or "jitters" while drinking coffee (12:35)
• From the Experience Life magazine article, “This is Your Body on Caffeine” — a timeline of what happens in your body over the 12 hours after you drink coffee (13:40)
• First 10 minutes: Stimulation and alertness (14:30)
• 30-45 minutes later: Peak energizing effects, slowing ability to absorb dopamine, and increased urge to go to the bathroom (15:20)
• 1-5 hours later: Release of adrenaline, increasing heart rate and blood pressure, and break down of caffeine by the liver (16:20)
• Caffeine intake and trouble getting to sleep (18:15)
• The interaction between stress, coffee, and appetite (21:10)
• How oral contraceptives and smoking affect your body's ability to process caffeine (22:50)
• After 12 hours: Withdrawal and headaches that pass within a few hours if you drink enough water (25:05)
• The butter-coffee and "Bulletproof" trend: What it is, the theory behind its potential benefits, including impacts on cognitive performance, blood sugar, and energy levels (25:30)
• Why subbing coffee for food is not a sustainable weight-loss or health-improvement solution (28:00)
• How a strategic whole foods eating plan can help you achieve better results (34:45)
• Decaf —  choose organic or skip it entirely (37:20)
• Social and environmental issues around coffee and whether fair trade, organic purchases make a difference (38:30)
• Challenging our current crazy coffee culture — jumbo drinks with five shots of espresso and several pumps of artificial flavors and sugar syrups or artificial sweeteners added to the mix (39:50)
• The high cost of using coffee to power sleep deprivation, or to overcome our natural ultradian rhythms (42:15)
• If you're not already drinking coffee, should you start? (43:40)
• Regulating your caffeine intake to manage anxiety and avoid panic attacks (44:45)
• Suggested experiments for the week (47:25)

This Week's Experiments

Dallas suggests:

Take a three-week break from coffee and all caffeine to assess your relationship with it and its effect on you.

• Habitually consuming caffeine desensitizes you to its effects.
• For athletes looking for a performance boost, try reintroducing caffeine shortly before competition to get its full cognitive and physiological performance-enhancing effects.
• Evaluate how obligated you are to add a sweetener or fat source to your coffee. If you don’t like it without those additives, either you aren’t drinking good coffee, it’s not prepared well, or you don’t actually like coffee as much as you like your coffee condiments.

Pilar suggests:

1) The next time you go into a coffee shop, order a "small,"  not a grandé, venti or super-jumbo-big-gulp.

• Put your attention on the experience of consciously tasting and savoring that small-size cup (and notice how few people order a "small" anything anymore).
• Avoid adulterating your coffee with all sorts of added flavors (caramel shots, etc.).
• If you like having "cream" in your coffee, have real cream (preferably heavy vs. half-and-half); pass on the fat-free, skim or low-fat milk, and bypass the weird chemical substitutes.
• You probably won't see heavy cream as an option unless you ask; many places stock it for whipping cream, and don't put it out for customer use unless requested.

2) Experiment with different ratios of cream to coffee.

• Try adding a little more fat than you normally would, and then cutting back on sugar (if you normally add it). See how it impacts your enjoyment and satiety.
• Choose better coffee — better sourced, better roasted or better prepared. It may reduce your desire to add sweeteners and flavors.

Get full episode notes and links at http://livingexperiment.com/coffee/

Every season has its gifts, but we live in a culture that prefers to celebrate the bright, “go-go” energy of summer. Without the haven of a winter recovery cycle to replenish us, though, we get depleted, overstimulated, and overwhelmed. So in this week’s episode of The Living Experiment, we talk about the important and under-appreciated aspects of the winter season. We explain how you can observe its traditions by strategically adjusting your mindset, sleep schedule, food, fitness activity, and more. Drawing on ancient wisdom and modern-day science, we suggest some experiments to help you make the most of winter in your own world.

 “Winter” Episode Highlights

• An overview of where winter fits into Chinese Five-Element Theory – associating everything in nature and our lives with a season and element, each with its own implications (6:00)
• Fall associations: Metal (element), grief (emotion), and the experience of emptiness – a big, metal bowl with receptive space (7:00)
• Winter: Water (element); fear (emotion); the experience of introspection, dreaming, creativity, and exploration — many “what if?” possibilities filling the empty bowl (7:20)
• Spring: Wood (element); anger (emotion); the experience of clear, conscious choice and directed energy — a bamboo shoot emerging straight from the water (8:30)
• Summer: Fire (element); joy (emotion); the experience of flourishing, sharing the bounty, including everyone in the celebration — the blossoming of the bamboo shoot in a beautiful display of plenty (9:40)
• Change of season: Earth (contains all the elements), empathy (emotion), the experience of sharing from a place of surplus – redistributing resources, then returning back to emptiness with a bigger metal bowl, stronger structure, even greater possibility (10:00)
• The "cult of the light" — our imbalanced cultural celebration of the bright, energetic, and productive (masculine "yang" energy) at the cost of the equally-important quiet, slower, introspective, restorative aspects of life (feminine "yin" energy) (11:05)
• How ignoring the energetic downshift from summer into winter leaves us depleted and resentful, with nothing to give in our relationships (13:35)
• Your body’s clear signals and the subtle, systemic maladies that indicate you’re suffering from a lack of seasonal replenishment and restoration (15:15)
• An introduction to Dallas's seasonal model for health – three key components of sleep, food, and movement (16:35)
• The pitfalls of using stimulating screen time to ignore the changing light/dark cycle in winter, which is nature’s nudge for you to become introspective and get more sleep (17:00)
• Life-giving activities for the winter, including the Danish concept of hygge that encourages intimacy with yourself and other people (19:30)
• Summer movement vs. winter movement – seasonally-harmonious fitness activities (24:00)
• How giving yourself a cardio break in winter can actually make you healthier (26:40)
• Thinking about winter exercise routines as a fitness foundation for spring and summer (28:00)
• Refraining from "should-ing on yourself" – why saying "could" instead of "should" is more empowering (32:15)
• High-intensity interval training: Short, hard anaerobic conditioning suggestions for the winter – outdoors or indoors – with appropriate work-to-rest ratios (34:20)
• Hearty food ideas for winter using locally- and seasonally-available sources, including high-quality animal proteins and fats; robust, durable, starchy root vegetables; and sturdy, leafy greens (36:45)
• Breakfast and the "year-round smoothie conundrum" – replacing cold morning smoothies with hot, healthy, hearty whole foods  (40:00)
• Slow cookers (the perfect winter kitchen appliance) and soups and stews (the perfect winter meal) (42:00)
• Debunking myths about dietary fat and why it’s OK (and healthy) to eat fat in moderation and without heavy carbohydrates — particularly in winter (45:00)
• An explanation of dietary cholesterol vs. serum cholesterol and why consuming eggs and meat isn't the primary driver of cholesterol troubles (47:15)
• The synergy of sleep, movement, and food – increased rest + strength and power exercises + a diet of more meat, fat, and starchy vegetables = greater winter health (49:50)
• Suggested experiments for the week (53:50)

This Week’s Experiments

Dallas suggests:

Progressively adjust your bedtime to get more winter sleep.

• Starting in November, go to bed a half an hour earlier with each successive month, continuing with this strategy until spring.
• Resist the urge to maintain your summer sleep schedule, which will likely net you hours less sleep than your body wants and needs.

Pilar suggests:

1) Add more seasonal vegetables to your shopping list.

• Choices include broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, turnips, beets, and rutabagas; dark, leafy greens like kale and chard (fresh or frozen); fennel (roasted or in stews); sweet potatoes, squash, carrots (whole, not baby carrots!), parsnips.
• Heat-caramelized veggies are a great way to satisfy your sweet tooth: Toss them with olive oil, add a little salt and pepper, and roast them in an oven or on a cast-iron skillet.

2) Swap night-time TV watching for some other low-key, constructive or creative activity, even if it’s just for a half hour and one night a week to start.

• Use the time to read, write, journal, declutter an area (like your fridge).
• Take a bath, do some yoga or stretching, or indulge in other self-care activities.
• Options like vision boarding, guided meditations or journaling can prime you for rich, insight-provoking dreams.

Get resources and other helpful links at livingexperiment.com/winter.

Shame is universal. It touches every age, gender, and ethnicity — from a child who wets the bed to a presidential candidate who is caught off guard in a debate. Shame operates at your core, often playing out in a debilitating combination of aggression, withdrawal, and perfectionism. But how can you address shame if you have difficulty acknowledging or talking about it? In this week’s episode of The Living Experiment, we discuss shame openly, flushing it out of hiding and into the light of day. We talk about where shame comes from, how men and women feel it differently, and how it impacts relationship dynamics. We also suggest steps to shift from shame toward self-acceptance and insight.

"Shame" Episode Highlights

• The life-long and inescapable human condition of shame (3:25)
• Defining (and differentiating) shame and guilt (6:30)
• The three primary behavioral expressions of shame (7:25)
• Secondary and tertiary consequences, including communication problems (7:50)
• The subtle differences between imposing shame and offering compassionate guidance (10:00)
• How shame that develops very early in life can manifest in our adult lives and relationships (12:50)
• Perfectionism as a response to childhood shame (14:25)
• Shame as a potential outcome of a religious upbringing (15:15)
• How your own sense of worth influences the way you accept or judge others (17:55)
• Dr. Marilee Adams’ "Choice Map" and the two paths — judger or learner — we can take in any stressful situation (18:45)
• Gender-specific shame triggers and responses (23:55)
• Dallas's early experience with shame, and the shadow it cast (26:00)
• Pilar's experience of shame resulting from childhood sexual abuse (29:50)
• How (and why) we make sense of irrational thoughts and situations, and why that's not always healthy (31:00)
• How shame shows up in human behavior (33:50)
• Dr. Brené Brown’s outing of the universal, destructive experience of shame (37:45)
• Shame-based morality vs. the natural consequences of potentially problematic actions, such as over-consumption of porn or food (38:45)
• The power of acknowledging and exposing sources and feelings of shame (42:20)
• How Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help people evolve traumatic experiences (44:20)
• “De-cloaking” — risking the truth about yourself with close friends, and the positive feedback loop that can create (47:10)
• How to re-frame and diminish shame with self-awareness and compassion (53:00)
• Making peace with your life experiences — good and bad — to more fully understand and accept yourself and others for who they are (55:40)
• How a difficult divorce can catalyze the work of self-discovery (57:25)
• The vicious cycle of poor communication between men and women – women's unarticulated desires leading to men's misguided efforts to fulfill them  — and how to reverse the pattern (1:00:00)
• Framing failure without shame rather than denying failure happened (1:05:00)
• Suggested experiments for the week (1:08:20)

This Week’s Experiments

Dallas suggests: Identify and compassionately acknowledge your shame.

• On a piece of paper, write “I have shame about . . .” and list all of your feelings of shame. On the last line of the page, write, “And it’s OK.”
• Calling shame by its name and accepting yourself sets the stage for growth.

Pilar suggests: In the moments you feel shame, change the questions you ask.

• The next time you're tempted to go down a path of self-retribution (e.g, why am I so stupid; what's wrong with me; what will people think?), ask neutral, non-judging learner questions such as: “What just happened?” “What’s useful here?” “What do I want now?” “What would I like to have happen?” “What can I learn?” “What am I actually responsible for?” “What’s possible?” “What are my choices?” “What would be the best use of my time, energy, and attention now?”
• Embrace shame-tinged experiences as fertile ground for growth and self-honoring rather than self-reproach.
• Look for opportunities to reframe shame-based experiences from your early life to reclaim your sense of worth as a human being now.

Get resources and other helpful links at livingexperiment.com/shame.